Postcards From Panama, Part 8

Dear Friends,

The Hard Taco song for July is called, "Emotional Eating." Meanwhile, here is the latest installment of Postcards from Panama. For a quick refresher on the complex relationship of Michael and Karen, see here. It's the classic "Will They or Won't They" scenario, but without the uncertainty.

7/2/17
Dear Karen,

I'm deeply sorry that I haven't sent you many postcards this calendar month. I expect that you think about me affectionately when you receive a postcard. I worry that on days that you do not receive a postcard, you think about me longingly. That must be very hard! I just wanted to wait until I had achieved financial security before finalizing our wedding plans. I am happy to report that I have a new investment approach which will allow both of us to feel comfortable proceeding. Stay tuned!

With warmest regards,
Michael

7/3/17
Dear Karen,

I heard a wedding can cost upwards of 20K. A different source, almost as reliable, told me that it may even cost 20G! In most human cultures, it is customary for the bride's family to pay for the wedding party. I haven't seen your parents in a large number of years, but I recall that they were similar to people who had a fondness for traditions. With that in mind, I will be happy to let them pay for our venue, catering, rentals, planner, photographer, entertainment, marriage counseling, and flowers. I would like to take responsibility for the invitations and party pumpers, even if that costs some of the K or G.

Since I haven't seen you in person in an equally large number of years, you may not know if I respect the dollar and have a well-balanced portfolio. I'm not offended by your curiosity. In fact, I'm proud of you for being mature enough to know how important those qualities are in a life-partner.

I reached out to a financial planning group called Frugalidad y Hijos (Frugality and Sons). I had an online chat with the third son, Felix, who recommended the following investment strategy:
30% Short-term large-cap investments
30% Medium-term any-cap investments
20% Tax evasion
20% Stem cells
10% Financial planner fees
5% Unexplained losses

I have been doing this since earlier this calendar month, and I will let you know when it is successful.

With warmest regards,
Michael

7/8/17
Dear Karen,

Is your father still working as a mid-level executive? When we were kids, I was always impressed at how consistently he went to work on weekdays. He was very methodical! I assume he has been postponing retirement because he hasn't found someone he trusts to turn over the middle management of his business to. Filling his shoes requires some very substantial feet!

I recommend my neighbor, Dignidad. He has been out of work for many years, and has very large feet for a man who is slightly shorter than me when we stand back to back.

With warmest regards,
Michael