Volcanoes!!

Download Song

(Four small tables, numbered 21-24. The rightmost table has an unmanned poster entitled, Garlic: The Silent Killer. The leftmost table has a screen and a tiny amplifier. There is an electric guitar leaning on the table. The table second from the right has Jamie's poster, Plate Tectonics, with a model volcano in front of it. Jamie is setting off her first eruption when Alison enters from left holding her volcano in one hand and her poster tucked under her other arm.)

Jamie:
I can't believe it

Alison:
Uh!

Jamie:
This is the worst!
I swear to God, just ask my mom,
I had this idea first

Alison:
I can't believe it

Jamie:
(Sucks on inhaler.)


Alison:
Is this a joke Ha ha ha ha!
She's got papier-mch
And red-colored smoke

Jamie:
I feel like I am being mocked
By the wickedest of fates
Mine is plate tectonics

Alison:
And mine's tectonic plates

Both:
Both of us did volcanoes
Both of us did volcanoes
Volcanoes

Alison:
I can't believe it

Jamie:
You copycat!

Alison:
You plagiarizer,
How bout we flatten yours and tell them it's a geyser
God, I despise her!

Jamie:
God damn you!

Alison:
God damn her!

Both:
God damn her vinegar
God damn her Arm & Hammer!

Jamie:
(As a Western lawman)
Herbert Hoover High
Has only got room
For one fissure vent
And one mantle plume

(The two girls are pointing imaginary guns at each other, but judges walk by and they snap back into neutral positions, singing quietly.)

Both:
Both of us did volcanoes
Both of us did volcanoes

Alison:
Bet your parents made yours

Jamie: As if!

Alison:
Like they made your sister's last year
They're vicarious grade-whores

Jamie:
Four eyes!

Alison:
Brace-face!

Jamie:
Tubby!

Alison:
Shrimp!

Jamie:
Freckles!

Alison:
Slut!

Both:
Now the whole USA knows
Both of us did volcanoes

Jamie:
Got to stop despairing

Alison:
Got to stop this swearing freely

Jamie:
'Cause at least we're wearing
Different outfits

Both:
But not really

(Trevor enters, carrying a volcano, and sets it up in front of his screen.)

Alison:
Oh, no, no, no, no!

Trevor:
I can't believe it

Jamie:
What

Trevor:
I dig your sign
Hey, check this out you've got a thingie and it's just like mine
That's kind of awesome

Jamie:
(Sucks on inhaler.)

Trevor:
You two worked together

Girls: Trevor:
This is the worst This is the best

All:
Science fair ever!

(Trevor plugs electric guitar into a tiny amplifier and accompanies himself.)

Trevor:
Misters and Miss Judgeses
Of the Hoover High 9th Grade Science Symposium
I give to you a mixed media presentation

(A slideshow begins on his screen)

Which Volcano Kicks the Most Ass
by Trevor Mercado

(During Trevors song, Jamie and Alison tear each others' displays apart and spill vinegar and baking soda all over each other and everything.)

Kilauea: What a player!
Such a badass lava sprayer
And Mount Tambora got no flora,
'Cause it's a sick frickin' horror
Vesuvius is the grooviest
For the history enthusiast
Pompeii Tours are okay tours,
But their website's kind of dubious
And then there's E Y J A F J A double L A J O K U double L

(Plays video of Icelandic guy pronouncing Eyjafjallajokull correctly.)

I met this dude from Iceland,
And those guys can fricking spell!
And Mount Mauna Loa erupted slower
But it burned the living spit out of every protozoa
But the honest inspiration for the pssshhhh flame thrower
Was the baddest bitch of all... Krakatoa!
Mount Krakatoa
That's the answer
Kraka-tacka-tacka-tacka-tacka-tacka-toa!

(Girls are now covered with food coloring, baking soda, and debris.)

Girls:
Both of us did volcanoes

All:
All of us did volcanoes
Volcanoes
Volcanoes

(Trevor plays a very bad guitar solo with lots of whammy bar and bended notes. Judges pass by all three, place blue ribbon on "Garlic: the Silent Killer.")


Lauren London - Jamie
Ellen Butler Lawson - Alison

Copyright 2014 Zach London

Hard Taco Radio

Discography