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The Fizzlewinch Saga

"Captain Porc, grab seven planes and seven men!

Fizzlewinch has infiltrated Craymor Hangar 10,

And he's stolen the Barely Visible Biplane and our secret plans

And he's trying to cross the border once again!"

Commander Manders looked at the radar screen and sighed,

"We shouldn't have let him off so easy last time that he tried," he said

"Captain, take these Zeros here and shoot him down on sight

And we'll make him rue the day he ever flied."

Now Fizzlewinch who thought the scary part had passed,

Looked behind and saw the fleet of Zeros gaining fast,

And he fumbled his altometer and saw to his surprise

That the BVB was running out of gas.

So fly, Fizzlewinch, fly,

Fly, Fizzlewinch, fly.

If they catch you here alive

They'll shoot you dead until you die!

So fly, Fizzlewinch, fly,

Fly, Fizzlewinch, fly...

Death awaits beneath and behind

Your freedom is the sky.

Now the Captain had a thought before his men attacked.

The biplane was worth millions and he knew this for a fact.

So he said, "It would be better killing Fizzlewinch off by hand,

And then flying home with the BVB intact!"

So the Captain tied a coil of rope to a grappling hook,

And lowered himself to the biplane on it for a closer look,

And he crawled between the two left wings to Fizzlewinch's side

Who tried to shake him off, but the Captain wouldn't be shook.

So Fizzlewinch came out for Captain Porc to see,

And their goggled faces clashed and wind and fists were flying free,

And they wrestled in the cockpit 'til the Captain finally tripped

And fell a thousand feet and skewered on a tree.

So fly, Fizzlewinch, fly,

Fly, Fizzlewinch, fly.

If they catch you here alive

They'll shoot you dead until you die!

So fly, Fizzlewinch, fly,

Fly, Fizzlewinch, fly...

Death awaits beneath and behind

Your freedom is the sky.

Fizzlewinch knew his plane was about to hit the ground,

So he scaled the dangling grapple-rope in a single fizzle-foot bound,

And he climbed into the Captain's plane and picked up the CB

And told the seven men to shoot the biplane down.

Quite sure that their Captain told them what to do,

The seven Zeros happily dove to carry orders through,

And the biplane circled down into the mountainside, engulfed

In mortar bullets and ballistic target spoo.

The planes regained formation and their leader said,

"Our enemy the spy is surely shriveled up and dead,"

So they hurried back to Craymor where Commander bitched them out

And ordered each one to a sink to soak his head.

So fly, Fizzlewinch, fly,

Fly, Fizzlewinch, fly.

Manders lost his plans, his plane,

And now he's lost his spy!

So fly, Fizzlewinch, fly,

Fly, Fizzlewinch, fly...

Death awaits beneath and behind

Your freedom is the sky.

Fizzlewinch touched down to a friendly landing crew,

And the President was waiting and his girlfriend Leslie Lou.

She said, "Oh babe I've missed you so much, let's go home and screw,"

And she kissed him, and the President did too.

So fly, Fizzlewinch, fly,

Fly, Fizzlewinch, fly.

The President got his hero

And your girlfriend got her guy!

So fly, Fizzlewinch, fly,

Fly, Fizzlewinch, fly...

Death awaits beneath and behind

Your freedom is the sky.

No recording available

The First Three Wars

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From "Jupiter the Balloon Horse"

i. The First Three Wars

The first three wars

Let's start rehashin

Cause Ive got a passion for

The first three wars

Children of all ages

It gives me unnatural pleasure

To present to you a magnificent display of history

The largest, fiercest and most alarming review of history

Ever brought before the eyes of civilized man!

The first three wars

I can't relax

When there are so many facts about

The first three wars

Behold, the Mighty Stamp Tax!

In ring two, you will gasp and swoon for the War of 1812

Finally, the most horrific and educational display of historiophony,

At a startling 1 minute and 40 seconds, the American Civil War!

ii. Stamp Tax

We won't stand your Stamp Tax

Or tolerate your Intolerable Acts

We'll tar and feather your Tories

In all thirteen territories

And we'll run free

In the land of opportunity

We'll dump our tea

In the sea of opportunity

U (U)

S (S)

iii. 18:12

18:12 (was a war!)

Was a military war

And it's military time for

12 past 6 (past six)

In the afternoon (Oh no!)

And I'll tell you what I'm for

If we fight for the rest of the year, my friend

We could call it the war of the year we 're in

18:12 (was a war!)

Maybe more than one war

It's what I studied math for

18/12ths (9/6ths)

Of a war would be more (Oh no!)

More like one and a half wars

If we fight for the rest of the year, my friend

We could call it the war of the year we 're in

If we fight for the rest of our lives, my friend

We could call it the war of the life we 're in

We 're in!

iv. The Civil War

The Civil War was really bad

Brother versus brother

Father versus mother

And we sing this song because we feel real bad

That all of that aggression

And that mess about secession

Well, we 're sorry that it happened

And I guess it's safe to say that we feel bad.

The Civil War was really bad

Brother versus brother

Father versus mother

And we sing this song because we feel real bad

That all of that aggression

And that mess about secession

Well, we 're sorry that it happened

And I guess it's safe to say that we feel bad.

v. The First Three Wars Reprise

The first three wars

Til someone stops us

We'll play our synopsis of

The first three wars

We hope you enjoyed the show as much as we did, although I, for one, doubt it.

That is because you are the most glorious audience

Ever assembled in the annals of this great nation!

Reverently, and without hesitation, we bid you all a good afternoon!

(Lauren London - additional vocals

Russell Schwartz - additional vocals

Josh Siegel - co-author of "Stamp Tax")

The Final Schtick

As we approach the final schtick,

Our fading youth burns up with our stick.

And as the embers flare I turn to you and you're still there.

Maury (Zach), you're a friend.

Love is a bottle that does not float,

And we're that princess surrounded by that moat.

The only way across is fight the beast lest love be lost.

Maury (Zach), you can do it.

So as we approach the final schtick

Our fading youth burns up with our stick.

We may not meet again, like boys play games, like games with men.

Maury (Zach), I'll see you then.

(Maury Loeb - co-author)

No recording available

The Dowager

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From "Ground Beef"

The Dowager is searching for her lap dog

To pet and pat and pamper, tres petit

To dress in little sweater with a bow upon its head

But I think it's understood

Oui, that the dog is gone for good

So she'll have to pamper something else instead.

The dog was very pretty

Huh huh! So itty bitty!

But now it's gone, a pity

Let's get on with life I say.

The Dowager is far too sentimental

She carries on like this is big concern

She broods inside her chambers

And won't touch her charlotte russe

But she'll soon or later learn

Her precious dog will not return

So she'll have to put her lap to other use.

Hard Taco Radio

The Fizzlewinch Saga

The First Three Wars

The Final Schtick

The Dowager

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